Roller Coaster Ride

I know, how could this sweet boy be difficult??

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride the past few days. Yesterday I was a horrible mother. I allowed my 3-year-old to get the best of me and bring me to tears. Not just a few tears but sobbing tears. I had been fighting it back for days, well weeks really. Having never cried, or REALLY cried in front of the kids before, they were concerned. I tried to stop but that is impossible when the flood gates are open. Carter was so sweet, he asked me what was wrong and I just told him that I did not feel well. He hugged me with the sweetest hug he has ever given me. Griffin walked up to me and looked right at me and said, "don't cry, use your words." This is something I say to him several times a day when he is crying or whining about something. It was pretty cute, then he said, "when daddy gets home he will make it better." Ty is out of town for about 9 days, he is in Asia for work. I know that did not help with my breakdown being a single parent SUCKS and to any of you that are, I admire you so much! I suppose I should explain a little about how a 3-year-old could bring his mama to tears, (any of you who have children I am sure don't have to ask). Anyway, he has been a challenge for sometime now and many days I feel like I have little control over him. It is something Ty and I talk about and try to figure out often. That is not what made me cry, my reactions to him yesterday made me cry with shame. I have started yelling and saying things to him that were not so nice. That is not who I am, I never yell at people not even my husband so why do I think yelling at my child is OK? I don't think it is OK that is why it hit me so hard. Not only was I not in control of him, I was losing control myself and that is scary. I am sure missing Ty, having a cold and not sleeping helped my emotions hit the wall but I was no good to my kids like that. I fell to my knees and did the only thing that I knew would work. I asked God to take the control and I gave it to him. I begged for his forgiveness and knew I had it because he says "everything is made new through me." I asked him for wisdom and patience and thanked him for the blessing of my children. Thanks to some really good friends who had us over for dinner and I enjoyed a little hot tub time with my girlfriend while her husband watched the kids, we all made it through the day and managed to have some fun in the snow! Thinking about it now, still bring tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again and I never want my children to go through that again.

I am so blessed with my family and have some wonderful friends that surround us with love. I want to thank my friend Shannon and her daughter for hanging out here on Saturday and making me and my children laugh. Val and Drew are such a blessing to all of us and Jill is such a loving friend. How lucky am I?? I miss my husband so much, not just because he is my children's father but because he is my rock and my best friend. He does not know any of this because calling him is not really an option, which is good because I probably would have called him yesterday in my hysteria and worried him, he is half way across the world why would I do that to him. I resisted the urge to e-mail him about it because it was something I needed to figure out and give to God to fix not to my husband. I hope he does not read this blog until he gets home when I can talk to him about all of this.

Wow, I sound like a real mess, actually it was a growing experience for me and I am a better mother because of it. Griffin and I are having a wonderful day today and I will never allow myself to lose control like that again, I will give it to God before that happens.

Today is a new beginning and my children have a new mother!!

Happy Monday to you all.