A Quick Update

God is so good, he has really transformed my relationship with Griffin. I have such a peace about mothering him now and he has been such a good boy. Even when he has challenged me in the past few days it was no big deal, not like before where I would get all stressed and upset. We are looking so forward to Ty coming home tomorrow, YAHHH!! I am a bit nervous with all of the snow we are supposed to get, go figure, he was gone over a week and it snowed twice, the day he left and the day he gets home. I am very lucky that I do not have to bring the kids with me to pick him up, again thanks to my good friend Jill (love that girl). It will be really nice to spend some time alone with my husband even if it is white knuckling it all the way!

Hope I can sleep tonight!

Roller Coaster Ride

I know, how could this sweet boy be difficult??

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride the past few days. Yesterday I was a horrible mother. I allowed my 3-year-old to get the best of me and bring me to tears. Not just a few tears but sobbing tears. I had been fighting it back for days, well weeks really. Having never cried, or REALLY cried in front of the kids before, they were concerned. I tried to stop but that is impossible when the flood gates are open. Carter was so sweet, he asked me what was wrong and I just told him that I did not feel well. He hugged me with the sweetest hug he has ever given me. Griffin walked up to me and looked right at me and said, "don't cry, use your words." This is something I say to him several times a day when he is crying or whining about something. It was pretty cute, then he said, "when daddy gets home he will make it better." Ty is out of town for about 9 days, he is in Asia for work. I know that did not help with my breakdown being a single parent SUCKS and to any of you that are, I admire you so much! I suppose I should explain a little about how a 3-year-old could bring his mama to tears, (any of you who have children I am sure don't have to ask). Anyway, he has been a challenge for sometime now and many days I feel like I have little control over him. It is something Ty and I talk about and try to figure out often. That is not what made me cry, my reactions to him yesterday made me cry with shame. I have started yelling and saying things to him that were not so nice. That is not who I am, I never yell at people not even my husband so why do I think yelling at my child is OK? I don't think it is OK that is why it hit me so hard. Not only was I not in control of him, I was losing control myself and that is scary. I am sure missing Ty, having a cold and not sleeping helped my emotions hit the wall but I was no good to my kids like that. I fell to my knees and did the only thing that I knew would work. I asked God to take the control and I gave it to him. I begged for his forgiveness and knew I had it because he says "everything is made new through me." I asked him for wisdom and patience and thanked him for the blessing of my children. Thanks to some really good friends who had us over for dinner and I enjoyed a little hot tub time with my girlfriend while her husband watched the kids, we all made it through the day and managed to have some fun in the snow! Thinking about it now, still bring tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again and I never want my children to go through that again.

I am so blessed with my family and have some wonderful friends that surround us with love. I want to thank my friend Shannon and her daughter for hanging out here on Saturday and making me and my children laugh. Val and Drew are such a blessing to all of us and Jill is such a loving friend. How lucky am I?? I miss my husband so much, not just because he is my children's father but because he is my rock and my best friend. He does not know any of this because calling him is not really an option, which is good because I probably would have called him yesterday in my hysteria and worried him, he is half way across the world why would I do that to him. I resisted the urge to e-mail him about it because it was something I needed to figure out and give to God to fix not to my husband. I hope he does not read this blog until he gets home when I can talk to him about all of this.

Wow, I sound like a real mess, actually it was a growing experience for me and I am a better mother because of it. Griffin and I are having a wonderful day today and I will never allow myself to lose control like that again, I will give it to God before that happens.

Today is a new beginning and my children have a new mother!!

Happy Monday to you all.

We're Expecting!!

It is official, we are expecting our third child and cannot wait for her arrival!! Our social worker came to our house on Monday to complete our home study and met the boys. I was so proud of my little guys, they were both awesome with her in their own unique ways. Griffin sat right at the table with us and talked to her, non stop, for a half hour. When Carter was talking with her he never stopped smiling and that smile of his is so precious. We are sure to pass the test now!! She is a very nice young woman so it was very comfortable. This time we had to answer several questions about our plans on raising a child with a different cultural background then ours. Those are difficult questions to answer because we have never done this before. We have spent some time researching this and plan on starting some new traditions that involve her culture before she comes home. For instance this will be the first year that we will celebrate Korean day on March 1st. Ty is heading to Korea next week for business so he plans on getting us some things for us to explore with the boys. So now we wait. Our official waiting time started on Monday so we will get our referral, that is her name and picture, in 9-12 months. After we accept the referral it will be another 10-14 weeks before we bring her home. That is going to be a very hard few months, imagine knowing your child is alive and waiting for you and you cannot be there for her. I cannot imagine how it will feel. The interesting part is when they call and tell us she is ready we have one week to get there. So much for my compulsive planning!! So if any of you see me porking up just remember I am expecting!! After the social worker left Ty said, "well I guess we can eat ice cream every night now." 9-12 months seems so long but as you all know time goes by so fast so we are going to try and enjoy being a family of 4 for the next year!

Something else to share: God had been really challenging me lately at the same time he is showing up at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways. This past weekend I was involved in a conversation where I was asked, (pretty much our of no where) "what is heaven like and how do you know it exists?" My answer was short and sweet, "The Bible says it exists and describes it in detail." Well my cop out answer lead to a more difficult question, "how do you know the Bible is true?" I have questioned that myself in the past so I researched it quite a few years ago and came to the conclusion that there is so much indisputable evidence that it is true. Of course I could not remember any of it at that moment. I know God was asking me to be a witness for him but I fell so short of what I was called to do. Anyway, to make a long story short, I am in the process of preparing myself to answer these questions the next time anybody asks them. God is helping out a lot, he has put some really great resources in front of me, some even showed up on my i-pod and I did not put them there. That is an awesome story, if you want to hear more about it just ask me. The last question that I had to answer that I was confident in was "is God the only way to Heaven?" I simply said, "Yes, the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ." I am very grateful for the person who was asking me these questions because she was very nice about it and has now opened my eyes to what I have to do and ignited again in my heart the great desire to know the Truth and be able to share it. My dream is that one day I will lead somebody to Christ and I will pray that life changing prayer with them, I cannot wait but I need to be prepared!!
Hope you all feel lots of love on Valentine's Day!

SIX

Carter turned 6 last weekend. Every year on the kid's birthdays we watch the video of the day they were born. It is so much fun to watch especially with them. Griffin had no idea, he kept saying "that's baby Griffy." That day seems like so long ago yet every detail is etched into out minds. Any of you who knew us then know what an adventure that day was for everybody. We are so blessed that Carter is so healthy despite his rough start. After watching Carter's video they wanted to see Griffin's. Carter's is 2 tapes long and Griffin's not even half a tape. We do have an excuse, nobody was at the hospital (except me) until 2 hours after Griffin was born. I can see why there are very few pictures of my third brother! Anyway, we really enjoyed his birthday this year celebrating with his friends one day and family the next. I had cake coming out of my ears last week!!

We also managed to get out for a day of sledding on the only nice day in the month of January! Carter's hockey team played after the first period of the UW-EC and UW-Stout hockey game last weekend. It was so much fun to watch 4-6 year old out there with those huge crowds. Carter LOVED it, he does not mind having a lot of people watching him. Griffin started gymnastics last week and he is having so much fun. He is so cute out there yelling "mom, I did it." I started a new mom's club/Bible study and am really enjoying it. It is 1-1/2 hours devoted to God. There is so much to learn and so much growing to be done, I cannot wait!!

We are off to the Dells this weekend. Check back next week as we are completing our home study portion of the adoption on Monday.